A comic pulled out of the freaked up author's subconscious. humor and pain, philosophy and non-sense,love and violence and sexy things, based on real events or completely fake, who knows what the next update will bring
Holy HELL! I thought I was stuck in prison this time. It was underground, heavily guarded, heavily secure, no escape roots from what I saw and no way the guards were going to accept a bribe. Then out of nowhere *BAM* the wall to my cell busts in! And who's standing there with an escape root to freedom? You guessed it! My best friend in the world cyborg Ulga.
After the "incident" and I got myself arrested Ulga took it upon herself to carry out the mission solo for a bit. My bold faced murdering of the queen apparently had very very little effect on Lonely city. Turns out the queen was mostly a figure head and the city is governed by a collection of people, and all the guards are a well structured military operating separately. Ulga said she killed the top 2 ranking officers and all it managed to do was give some other smucks promotions. We can't do anything here, this town is a dead end.
There is ONE thing though, outside of the city. "A legitimate business", thats the name, seriously. They're a bunch of pirates who smuggle and do other piratey things. I've had a word with them and they may be able to help out with my slavery business, be alot easier to separate my business from the BWC if I could handle my own shipping as it were.
The only thing is I need to prove to them that me an Ulga are "legit" too. To do that they're gonna take us to an anti-pirate, I mean aniti-"Totally legitimate business" outpost and kill a guy. Doesn't seem to hard, I'll just have Ulga do it.
Yep, just stood back and have Ulga kill a guy. Just another day for Rough T'ung. Oh, but I got to go on a boat ride today. That was different, I enjoyed it.
Arrived in Whiteruns today gonna do do the usual....Woo! lotta loot today, wonder why? Those "legitimate business" partners I set up couldn't have done anything this soon. Meh, whatever I need to go check on the kid....THE KID IS GONE! The hell did she go?! She still had food left, the door was locked, the hell happened?! I- I gotta go ask the boss, maybe she knows something.
I- I can't believe it. The Boss SOLD the kid. She said she found someone willing to pay top coin so she sold her. How did she even do that? This is MY salve ring! She shouldn't have been able to sell SHIT! Let alone even get INTO my cages. Damn. I was so pissed I killed the closet thing my hand could reach. It was just some random guy, but the boss still had me jailed for it. Damn it.
posted by Johnny.S @ 19 Sep 2014 08:53 pm -
Man those silver-blood people really knew what a comfy bed was. Alright time to see the king. Lotta zombies in this castle...Oh hey look! The guy who made that stupid museum!.....Hahaha I beat him to death, beat his head in until his neck snapped. Then just for fun I stripped him and threw his body in the river. Haha I think I even saw Ulga crack a gin at that. Ahh good times, good times.
So the king is still alive, and most of the castle residents. Seems only the guards got turned into zombies. Apparently the zombies more or less leave you alone unless you bug them, but this ONE guard got freaked and attacked a zombie, so then ALL the zombies try to kill that guard. Bummer they all look alike, zombies probably thought all the guards where the same guy, go figure.
Looks like everyone in the castle is to freaked out by all the zombies to really care about me poking around, so far I found a cook (could always use a good cook, marked him down as "useful".), another orc blacksmith (male, this one did not have a sex slave) who let me in on the location of an orc village, even gave me the password and everything. Said I should stop by his place sometime and he'd show me a good time...What a nice guy. Lastly I found an nord hating elf diplomat, me and him had alot in common. I even helped him frame a nord, now the nord will die (Haha stupid dead nord).
Just killed Mock-arths king and threw his body in his bedroom waterfall (who the hell has one of those anyway?). Now Mock-arth is cleansed from top to bottom, check list complete. That was incredibly quick, this city's infrastructure was really messed up. I COULD head back to Whiteruns now, but Im sure the boss would just send me out again (starting to get REAL tired of being a henchman). So I figure me an cy-Ulga would just head down to that orc village for a bit. It sounded like a nice place.
Ok where is my horse? WHO THE HELL TOOK MY HORSE?!....You know I've been stealing horses for years now, but this is the first time I've ever been on the other end of it. It really stinks. Mmmmh, the walk to that orc village is to long on foot, we'll wait until tomorrow morning to head out.
Went on the stupidly long walk this morning to the orc village, Ulga doesn't seem bothered by it (stupid demon Ulga and her robot legs). This orc village does seem really nice, the village old lady has been telling me all about there customs. She says the leader is which ever guy (can only be a guy she says) kills the last leader. Also only the leader can have wives and he gets ALL the women. The other guys can only play with eachother, though some don't seem to mind that she's noticed (I think I just realized why that blacksmith was so friendly....).
Hm, I this seems like to good an opportunity. I have claws, the orc leader does not. Im going to challenge him to a fist fight and beat him the same way I beat Ulga(by cheating)!
Haha! Woo! Im the orc king! Check out all my bitches! (I sing while dancing on the other guys corpse). Yep ripped his throat out with my claws, sure it was unfair, dishonorable and cowardly, but Im alive and he isn't! Now Im the orc king!...Until another guy kills me. Which they most certainly will given how I just became king. Plus Im a catperson and orcs really seem to be all about other orcs. Hm.....this may be a problem.
Problem solved! All I had to do was have Ulga (bless her heart) KILL all the male orcs in the village! No more male to challenge me, problem solved! Now i can just chill here with all my orc wives....
Running-running-running! Getting the hell away from that village, jumping in the nearest carriage and heading back to Whiteruns! Those woman are CRAZY! Crazy I tells you! (Plus there into some reeeeeally weird stuff). I think it's safe to say I'll be steering clear of THAT orc village from now on.
Ah the safety of the carriage ride. No one ever bothers the carriage drivers; no bandits, no monsters, no dragons. So safe.
Whiteruns; collecting my slave ring monies, check on the kid, then report to the boss. Ok monies good, kids got more food, time to report to the boss...Man the boss was really unenthusiastic about me single handily (cy-Ulga doesn't count) taking over Mock-arth. She just seemed really really pissed I killed that museum guy. When I told her what I did with the body she threw a bottle at me! Jeez he deserved it, besides what's the big deal. She told use to just go to Solated- Salatded-..."Lonely town" and see what we can do.
First thing we see when entering the city is a guy getting killed for treason ...this does not bode well for us. This city is super well fortified against outside threats and inside threats, we can't even get into the castle without a reason. We're gonna have to poke around until we can find one.
Found one! Some bitch wants me to model some cloths for the queen (I knew I was sexy), this is our ticket inside...Ok Im in, lets see what we can find....Wow that chick is really into me (or really desperate), I bet I can use seeing.. Iggy? as an excuse to get back in the castle if need be. What else...Ok that person is clearly a vampire, gonna want to stay clear of her..Shit there's nothing I can use! Ok ok I have an in; just model the cloths, leave, come up with a plan and come back latter.
I met a woman yesterday who had some issues with her brother, I solved them (with violence. In a dark ally.) so I get to stay at her house whenever Im in town. I tell ya, I've been going over it in my head all night and I still can't think of a way to cleanly do this. Im just going to have to walk into the castle, say Im here to see Iggy?(nords have such hard names to remember) walk up to the queen and kill her.
Well that went about just as well as planned. walk right up to the queen, picked her up and slammed her into her thrown (Im pretty sure she's dead now). Here I am now, in yet another jail, again....*sigh* Im getting real tired of this shit.
posted by Johnny.S @ 18 Sep 2014 09:01 pm -